Loving myself to a 10!

"Loving myself to a 10", what does that mean? To me that means, I am willing to do what it takes to take care of me.

I have been a person who always thinks of others first. Doing for them what I could not do for myself. Seeing the amazing possibilities and talents in others with such clarity. Then when it came to me, blank wall. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't have value, unless someone needed me for something, so I made choices that gave me the illusion that I was needed.

I discovered that I didn't have to live that way. I could be myself, I could love myself and it was all up to me. It's up to me to choose how I want to live and how I want to show up and what I want to believe about myself and my capabilities.

This is me at 4 or so. So sweet and innocent. Get out a young picture of yourself and look at it. Would you talk to that child the way you talk to yourself now?

To a 10!

This reference to "a 10" is using the popular skill of asking yourself to scale something from 1 to 10. Such as, "How willing am I to love myself on a scale of 1 to 10? (1 - being you are not willing at all, and 10 - being you are all in, determined, and committed to making your choices with this new focus of self-love.)

The main new way I'm loving myself more is with what I'm eating or should I say not eating. I have completely changed how I eat. I went from eating snacks, cheese and chocolate to eating only vegetables, very clean meats and a little fresh fruit. This was such a hard thing to even think about for me at first.

At first it was plain awful

I hated everything at first. I saw my doctor on a Thursday and I was so sad when I left his office, with this news of how I needed to eat for me to get better, that my mom said to me, "Just start Monday." After that I was sad but also excited to have all my "last time" meals. I also had a lot of cookies! My sister had just gone to the coast and she had brought me my favorite cookies, from the Brown Butter Co. in Cyuccus Ca., a whole dozen of them. I ate them all with such a smile on my face. But come Monday there was no going back. I had spent the weekend at my mom's so I hadn't had time to get any of the foods I needed for this new diet yet. So when I got up on Monday I was determined to start anew. I went to a hour long beginners Pilates class with a friend. I then went and gave a bunch of blood at the lab for the doctor to see what else was wrong with me and then when I got home I looked to see what I had that I could eat. I had a bag of baby carrots totaling about 6 or 7. I ate those carrots and went along my day. I took my son to school and then came home. I looked around again for something else I could eat but there was nothing. We are a processed food family. The closest thing I could maybe work was a can of green beans. I didn't have time for that though, I had to go to work.

What came next I was not expecting for a thousand years, but it did give me the motivation to keep to the new diet with not even one slip.

After I dropped off Evan at work, I headed home. I had a call planned with a co-worker and knew that even tho I was tired, which I always was it was the reason I went to the doctor in the first place, I would be good once she called. She called me 3 minutes after I left Evan. I was already out. Some think I passed out or fainted. With the events of the day it makes since. I really don't know. I don't remember anything, until it was over and there were people running towards me to see if I was okay. I was fine, just some bruises that I wouldn't feel until later and some small scratches on my hand from the glass. The first thought in my head was, "Oh my gosh, Kelly you feel asleep." My life changed forever from this moment. I made a promise to myself at this moment that I would never again not take care of myself. It was the moment I decided to love myself to a 10. I didn't know that then, but it has been tested many times since.

Do you want to know more about the accident? Do you want to know more about what I have done since this moment? Yes? You will have to come back and check out my next entry then.

Are you willing to love yourself to a 10? Please comment below and let me know what your willingness level is. Whatever it is, it's just a jumping off point, so be honest with yourself.

Love, Kelly